![]() ![]() While she had rushed to put me on a pedestal at the start of our friendship, before long she didn’t hesitate to try to knock me down. She criticised me hanging out with my partner despite her frequently going on online dates and having group hangouts. When I asked her why she didn’t wear a face mask, she was defensive and resentful. ![]() She started suggesting that by seeing my boyfriend on weekends, I was being “irresponsible” because of COVID. But things soon started to change and she’d make passive aggressive comments about my behaviour and lifestyle choices, especially during the pandemic. I thought her flattery was genuine and it felt nice, and in time I began to reciprocate these compliments. She professed her admiration of my personality, skills and talents. Looking back, I realise my friendship with Stella started out with her lovebombing me - a manipulation tactic characterised by intense praise intended to influence another person. Once things start going sour and the abuse worsens, victims can become hooked in the hope of the initial positivity being restored. Perpetrators often alternate between dishing out praise and invalidating negativity, and trauma bonds are forged gradually over time. Trauma bonding can be present in all kinds of relationships - romantic, platonic and familial. Relationship therapist Marie Raleigh defines trauma bonding as an emotional attachment characterised by “a repeated cycle of devaluation that is mixed in with positive reinforcement.” It usually also relies on there being a power imbalance between individuals. Instead, I learned that her behaviour fell under a dysfunctional emotional cycle known as ‘trauma bonding’ - a cycle of manipulative behaviour that amounts to emotional abuse. How could someone spout so much venom at me, yet still feel so entitled to my validation? Clearly, we didn’t have the promising, close friendship I once thought it was. ![]() This wasn’t the first time she’d spoken to me so aggressively and then quickly flipped the script. But just a few minutes after her outburst, she approached me smiling, arms outstretched, saying “HUG?”. “You’re so irresponsible for seeing him so much during a pandemic,” she added, face red, and body vibrating. “You hold up your relationship like a sacred cow!” Stella* screamed. This article contains descriptions of trauma bonding and emotional abuse. ![]()
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